Sometimes people have a fear of disclosing and relating to others, or they may have difficulty taking on new challenges, or they may have a fear of success. People such as these may be unwilling to get involved with others unless they are certain of being liked, or they may be preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations, or they may be inhibited because of feelings of inadequacy. People may also be reluctant to take risks. These are just some of the symptoms associated with an avoidant disposition. These symptoms are often difficult to change and they can be immobilizing. However, having avoidant traits may be quite comfortable for the individual and they may not interfere with performance. In fact, some people actually function well despite these traits.

However, there can be a disconnect between how a person wants to function and how they actually are functioning. For instance, they may want to be more outgoing, socially involved or opportunistic in their personal choices, yet they can’t find the wherewithal to begin. Avoidant attributes are difficult to change. They may negatively affect how you interact with regard to same-sex relationships, opposite-sex relations and in social gatherings. There is no “one-size-fits-all” resolution, but there are some generalities to consider.

If you are feeling shy or socially immobilized, you may want to think about how you feel about yourself. You may lack self-confidence, or you may have low self-esteem. Maybe you feel like you don’t “fit in”, or that something about yourself is socially unacceptable, like your weight, your hair, a facial attribute, etc. Feelings such as these are usually developed during childhood, and most often during adolescence. But adulthood introduces a need for self-acceptance. It’s a time when you begin to understand that you are not alone, that others have similar flaws and feelings.

Proactive remediation may include being an active listener in one-to-one situations, such as responding to the specifics of dialogue while demonstrating genuine interest in the other. Or maybe you can arrange one-to-one encounters in locations that are more familiar and comfortable for you. Consider the situation and take control of what makes you comfortable. Accept that you may be uncomfortable for a period of time, but uncomfortable feelings are normal. It’s the length of time you’re uncomfortable that is the issue. As soon as it is feasible, get a snack or drink, which can serve as an icebreaker, or talk about the job or kids, which is a typical commonality of all. Just accept that some situations require a “slow-to-warm-up” approach.

These strategies can also be used in group situations. Attend to those who are familiar or appear welcoming. You can also try to identify the isolated, who may feel like you do and who may need one person to help them get comfortable. The goal is to come out of yourself. Care more about others than yourself.

A successful life is based on the perception of the individual, and fear of success tends to be an unconscious process. But I believe that many people reach a crossroads; either you must accept the standard of life as currently constituted, or you must attempt to change your situation. You may do it by legal means, or illegal. Those who seek to do it by socially acceptable standards, or legal means, tend to become immobilized for a time, trying to figure out how to move on. During this time, they may begin to dream about a better life but may not have had examples of high-achieving role models. They would benefit from acquainting themselves with mentors who have achieved a similar goal. They can find these people in professional organizations, guidance counselors on college campuses, spiritual leaders, or the like. I discovered myself through the latter two, and the former assisted me when I became discouraged during my pursuit of success.

Most importantly, minimize time with those who think negatively, who cannot dream, or who remind you of your own limitations. I have found that it is much easier to be pulled down by others than to pull them up. I have also found that those who have achieved are eager to help those who have a sincere desire to achieve, and they can assist you in ways that you cannot help yourself. Finally, be flexible and open to guidance, because where you start will probably not be where you end. But it should be a wonderful journey.

I will close by saying that the avoidant personality is not an albatross in itself, as many people can succeed and function well without a diversified social experience. The task is to find out how to best position themselves to function in a way that brings out their personal best. Our deficits can hold us back if we focus on them as negatives and minimize our positives.

THC: How can we each define and cultivate friendships that truly meet our needs?

Dr. Tibbits: First, of course, you must get to know yourself. When it comes to the company of others, people desire very different levels of closeness and interaction. Extraverts crave more relationships than introverts. Introverts tend to be pleased with a small circle of close friends. There’s no right way, there’s only what’s right for you.

Loneliness becomes an issue when people realize they’d like more friends, but they are not sure who to trust or who to open up to. They wonder, as we all do from time to time, is it safe to be vulnerable with certain people?

Often, people shut down because they’ve over-extended themselves in the past, only to be rejected. Or shared too much, which can scare people away or even result in insensitive reactions.

But friendship is far too valuable a part of a rich, full life to be ignored. To create new bonds, go slow. Let relationships build naturally. Resist the urge to rush things because you’re not sure where to begin.

THC: Do friendships need change as we age?

Dr. Tibbits: Yes, quite a bit. In the 20s to early 30s, people may be raising families, getting married, building careers and meeting other families. They will have new jobs, homes and neighborhoods. In these years, there’s usually a rapidly expanding circle of friends, some closer than others of course. People who have been fortunate enough to have been parented well or escape major emotional pain in early life will most likely be successful in these budding friendships.

In mid-life, around 35 to 45 years of age, people begin to consolidate and re-evaluate parts of their life friendships. At this time, grievance stories begin to emerge. People have lived long enough that there’s often an accumulation of hurts. Some of those disappointments may come in a person’s professional life. In other cases, romantic relationships, family members, or other people may hurt you in ways that lead to distrust. There’s also an inner evaluation process going on. You begin to look more closely at how you’re treating yourself and other people and in turn, how they’re treating you. You begin to create a personal narrative to tell a story filled with your experiences. Problems may arise if the story you create for yourself is distorted.

In my book, “Forgive to Live”, I teach that you must embrace your reality in a positive way, not run from it. If it’s your job that displeases you, for instance, try to locate the source of this unhappiness; is it your role or your co-workers? Or is the work unfulfilling? If it’s the people you work with, and then try to find co-workers you actually enjoy and focus on those individuals. You need to decide if it’s time to make a change. Just make sure you take responsibility for your situation. Don’t blame everyone around you for where you are. I teach that responsibility is your decision to choose how to respond to your situation. Plan where you want to be in a week, month, and the years ahead. Consider the path of your relationships as well.

From ages 55, 65 and beyond, life changes once again. Children grow up and leave home, marriages may end or new ones may begin, and people may relocate. A great deal of good research indicates that social support and friends are critical to health and emotional well being in this part of life. It’s important to feel that you are a part of something beyond a job. This is a time to ask yourself: “What defines my self worth?” A rich network of friends and membership in a spiritual organization can help a good deal. Breaking long-term ties by relocating to retirement villages or adult living centers is not necessarily the best idea. But this is also the point in life when that accumulated, distorted and negative narrative can cost you the relationships you need the most.

THC: How can we all learn to use the art of forgiveness to help us protect and maintain those valuable friendships?

Dr. Tibbits: Begin by accepting the fact that life is not always fair. Don’t set yourself up to think that things will work out fairly. In my book, I refer to the internalization of the injustice of unfairness as the birth of a grievance story. People will often tell themselves and others how someone has wronged them, over and over. You may feel that telling that story is punishing the person, but in reality you are punishing yourself. Forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook, it’s about letting you off the hook.

If you continue to tell yourself this bad story, you place yourself in a chronic state of emotional turmoil which puts you at higher risk for disease and depression. Depending on your genetic makeup, that disease could turn out to be high blood pressure, early heart disease, headaches, stomach ulcers, back pain and so on. It will also affect you emotionally. You’ll become irritable and negative, two characteristics that always push other people away. The real tragedy is that as many of us reach the stage of life where we so dearly need social support, we may be so deeply steeped in a lifetime of collected grievances that no one wants to be around us. Then, your whole view of life becomes distorted because that grievance narrative becomes your template for everything else.

THC: How can people who stay in a constant state of rehearsal for confrontation or grievance recitation cope?

Dr. Tibbits: First of all, you must admit that you have a problem. If you don’t see that it’s a problem, you won’t change. I teach that people are ready to change when they are ready to be healed. If you are getting signals from your loved ones that your behavior is problematic, such as you’re not the same person you used to be or you’re always angry or have a short fuse. These are indicators of a problem. Ask yourself “what is my motivation to change?” It may be time to reframe your story and take another look at that personal narrative, or you will continue to feel what you’ve always felt.

Even if it’s a true story, it’s still a biased story. Look at it this way: The person you hate may also be someone else’s best friend, because that someone is focusing on the good things that the person may have to offer. This proves you are looking at this person through a small frame. One of the gifts of great leaders such as Martin Luther King Jr. or Gandhi was they were able to see a situation through a larger frame, without biases. All change is a choice, it’s not magic. The truth of life is others see in us what we often fail to see in ourselves. Make sure you show the people close to you the best of who you really are.

Dick Tibbits will continue in a series on healing emotional scars as a result of relationships, religion and corporate America.

LINK: www.forgivetolive.net

As reported by The National Institute of Mental Health, major depressive disorder is the leading cause of disability in the United States for ages 15-44. The condition affects approximately 14.8 million American adults, or about 6.7 percent of the population age 18 and older, in a given year. While major depressive disorder can develop at any age, the median age at onset is 32. Major depressive disorder is more prevalent in women than in men.

More Americans suffer from depression than coronary heart disease, cancer, and AIDS combined. Depression ranges from the functionally depressed, who are primarily sad and unhappy with life, to the debilitating depressed, who isolate, are withdrawn, and experience limited interpersonal relationships, to the emotionally unstable depressed, who are a threat to themselves.

The functionally depressed are frequently seen in therapy. For example, I provided service to a client whose depression intensified due to feelings of inadequacy about job performance. A debilitating depressed client presented as unable to look for employment and found the usually friendly gathering as unsatisfying. [Not sure what this sentence in bold is supposed to say.] The emotionally depressed client felt hopeless and unable to change the circumstances in his life, resulting in self-mutilation and thoughts of suicide.

My primary focus with the depressed client is to make gradual steps toward a more active lifestyle, as well as helping the client to gain better self-perception of his or her accomplishments. I emphasize remembering the things that used to bring enjoyment, or identifying unfulfilled desires and personal pursuits. These don’t have to be big things. They can be as simple as exercising, taking a walk in the park, having a “girls’ night out,” etc. Also, a hairstyle change or refreshing your wardrobe can create feelings of pleasure.

Because financial concerns tend to be associated with depression, creating the freedom to treat yourself can do wonders for enhancing positive feelings. For instance, a relative who teaches biblical finances suggested saving at least one $5 bill every day. They can be accumulated and used for entertaining activities such as the movies or dinners, or even gasoline. I have personally adopted this strategy. The number of $5 bills I save each week fluctuates between 10 and 20, and they provide the occasional moment of enjoyment.

When dealing with depression, major decisions should be avoided until your mental health improves, even if you believe that someone else, such as your job or spouse, is causing the depression. It is my belief that depression is caused by your reaction to situations and others. A change in your perception and doing more of the things you like can help reduce the depression.

Finally, significant life events leave residue that can negatively affect relationships. Although some people can “get over” them, the best results seem to occur when you “work through” them with the guidance of the clergy, a therapist, a self-help group, or the like. Depression does not have to be a life sentence.

Addiction is defined as dependence on a behavior or substance that a person is powerless to stop. There are two classifications: substance addictions, which include alcohol, drugs, and smoking, and process addictions, which include gambling, spending, shopping, eating, and sexual activity. Many addicts have more than one vice. For some, multiple attempts are required in order to achieve total abstinence.

The primary focus in our society has been on the substance abuser. Substance abuse is often a symptom of deeper personal issues. From a psychological perspective, process abusers can experience more extreme fluctuations, resulting in depression, interpersonal difficulties and major financial difficulties. When a process-addicted person enters therapy, they are usually beyond the stage of denial that typifies the substance addicted. However, they continue to experience the fluctuations of mood and behavior, and relapse is expected. Another type of process addiction is those who are addicted to dysfunctional behavior and dysfunctional people. This type of addiction is difficult to treat, as exhibited by an inability to learn from negative consequences, an inability to alter thoughts and a tendency to repeat maladaptive behaviors.

Therapeutic treatment of the process addicted involves a critical analysis of the consequences of their actions, involvement from the family members who are negatively affected by their behavior, analysis of the repetitive behaviors that are maladaptive, and a focused attempt at engaging the client in a self-help program.

For those concerned about addictive behaviors, the first step is to be honest with yourself. Do you continue to associate with the same people or do the same things while achieving the same negative results? Do you go from one bad relationship to another, choosing the same kind of mate? If so, the next step is to avoid particular types of people and environments. This can be more difficult than it appears, but if you are determined to change, you can go to a self-help group where you can develop relationships with those recovering from your same issues. If sincere and honest with yourself, you are then on your way to recovery.

For more in-depth and personalized analysis, please explore one of our therapeutic assessments that screens for addiction and related behaviors.

This commentary is written to spark self-assessment within the reader while also attempting to create a shift from thinking about race to thinking about culture. It is my belief that when someone holds discussion about another’s “race,” they are maximizing the differences in skin color and dialect, while minimizing the holistic dynamics associated with culture. It seems easy to identify from our perspective, but difficult to see from another’s.

A Psychological Perspective

In September 1967, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. addressed the American Psychological Association in San Francisco on the topic “Is Racism a Social or Mental Ill?” Here we are 40 years later, and although some of our race relations are better, some aspects are still the same, just presented differently. Nonetheless, we must focus on our individual experiences in order to blend cultures. A focus on culture has more value than a focus on race.

When you acknowledge another’s culture, or more specifically ethnicity, you then can consider all of the dynamics of that ethnicity, such as its family dynamics, immigration history, and the like. Of course, there is no template that fits all within a culture, but I have discovered, via research and personal experience, that every culture has tendencies that can be utilized as initial points of reference. While everyone finds themselves in situations where they are struck by how people of different cultures handle particular situations, the primary question for this article is: Do you understand someone else from his or her perspective, or from your perspective?

The emic approach of cultural assessment is to study, or view, another culture from the inside and to try to see it as its own members do. The etic approach is to study another’s culture from the outside, based on your values and relevance. The lack of blending in our society is due to an unwillingness or inability to “walk in another’s shoes.” This may seem impossible, but our melting pot of a society offers numerous opportunities to better understand one another. It is important for people to actually listen to one another, not just wait their turn to speak. Therefore, if we start from that perspective, we can learn what is truly important to each other.

Let’s apply this to the workplace. Do you work on projects with people from other cultures? If you haven’t already formed an impression on how they may or may not perform, empower them to be a proactive member of the team and allow them the freedom to think differently. This can assist you in gaining an understanding of how they process information.

To really get to know someone, you should “break bread” with them. In that regard, invite a friend from another culture to dinner and have them bring a photo album of the extended family (i.e., grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) and learn about their family values. One common ground could be religion, as I believe we become friendlier to each other when we focus on our similarities and not our differences.

America does appear to have progressed as a melting pot when it comes to our children. Racism is a trait that is taught and flourishes in cultural isolation. However, because of upwardly mobile minorities of all ethnicities, it is difficult for the majority culture to move away from those they perceive to be “others.” This has resulted in their children’s exposure to diversity. It is truly a joy to see children from a multitude of ethnic origins, toddler-hood through adolescence, socializing at parties, sleepovers, athletic events and the like. It is my hope that our future as a melting-pot society is consistent with what our children are modeling.

Anesthetized to Injustice

I will introduce some clinically accepted cultural “generalities.” Psychologist Charles R. Ridley has defined a “healthy cultural paranoia” as a normal response of African-Americans and other ethnic minorities to oppression and racism, which includes distrust, suspicion of Caucasians, and a need to be cautious around them. Hispanic families are perceived as predominantly patriarchal, with rigid sex roles and family roles. Extended family, including long-term friends that are viewed as family, is very important. Native Americans tend to function from a traditional respect of elders and historical legends.

Asian-Americans tend to define their social roles by family, age and sex, and they tend to be patriarchal, traditional, and respectful of elders. Psychologist and author J.E. Helms identifies white racial identity as a continuum beginning with limited contact with people of color and potentially ending with an internalized nonracist white identity, based on a realistic understanding of the strengths and weaknesses of white culture and a desire to value and seek out cross-racial interactions.

The effects of institutional injustice, or racism, desensitizes the masses and unconsciously divides the populace by focusing on differences. Society appears to be inebriated to the institutional dysfunctions around us, and this “drunkenness” has been apparent for decades.

In Dr. King’s address to the APA in 1967, he referred to a need for individual “creative maladjustment” as a way to cope with the institutional systems of that era. Recently, there was a political debate facilitated by a black community leader. Three of the primary presidential candidates did not attend. Could this be perceived as cultural insensitivity or racism? Should these candidates be taken to task or held accountable? Does this unconsciously divide?

What about the Jena 6, the group of six black teenagers charged with the beating of a white teenager at Jena High School in Jena, La., in December 2006. The media has saturated the airwaves with the dysfunctions in Hollywood, but only introduced the nation to the Jena 6 when a protest occurred.

Does this keep the majority asleep? Also, it begs the question as to why the supposed democratic liberation of Iraq takes precedence over the salvation of New Orleans – which is primarily a city of minorities – without a cross-cultural united outcry. As Dr. King stated, a “cosmic discontent” is necessary, as “the white majority, unprepared and unwilling to accept radical structural change” needs to be held more accountable for the ills of our society, and to assist in cultural blending.

The individual is the most important component in the process of change. Although mass marches and protests are key parts of the process, I believe they have been given too much emphasis in terms of permanent change. For a culture to experience its own freedoms, it should start on the individual level. I will refer to the individual level as the micro level, and the collective process, such as protests, as the macro level. The macro process is reactionary, responding to perceived injustices. It focuses on the “theys” and “shoulds” of behavior. It allows individuals involved in the protests to leave outcomes to “others,” similar to seeing someone in need of assistance on the highway but passing them by because others may stop and help. The perpetrators, or establishments, that inflict the injustices prepare themselves for these protests just as a parent would accept the protests of their angry children: Let them vent and get it over with, and we’ll continue with what we want to do. On this level, real long-term change is difficult.

However, on the micro level, each individual is accountable for his personal growth, behavior and potential of influence. This is a long-range plan, but with it comes genuine personal and collective power. American history offers many examples of cultures who were once considered the underclass, but through educational and financial gains on the micro level, they have positioned and empowered themselves to become players on the macro level of our society. If we adopt this strategy, it can take us from being perceived as victims to being more in control of our destinies.

A collection of people without power still equals zero power. Being pro-active supercedes reacting, particularly as it relates to injustice, and I believe that being proactive begins by looking at our position as individuals.

Finally, it is my hope that this commentary engenders water-cooler discussion about what it is like to be you in this society, while accepting that our similarities can be the bridge to a more unified America. More importantly, our differences should be accepted and not utilized as tools to divide. Disagree without being disagreeable. You could become an integral part of the system.
To view the entire speech given by Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King on race to the American Psychological Association in 1967 please click this link

http://www.apa.org/monitor/jan99/king.html

As reported by the National Institute on Mental Health, anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting 40 million of the population above age 17. Anxiety symptoms tend to engender negative self-evaluations and negative self-perceptions. Some of my clients report experiencing anxious feelings since childhood. Others became aware of these negative feelings (e.g., accelerated heart rate and breathing, or being “uncomfortable in their own skin”) upon employment, marriage or parenthood. One particular example is that of a client whose anxious symptoms left him feeling insecure around others, fearful of normal circumstances such as driving, and with a tendency to avoid situations were he might be judged by others.

The primary therapeutic goal is to learn “in the moment” relaxation. Relaxation is actually an inner peace, and once you begin to identify its presence, you’ll be proactive in maintaining it. Most people are taught to breathe deeply or to try mental imagery, such as thinking about a beautiful sunset. The goal is to change the CD in your head. Recognize what generates a feeling of pleasure for you. If you’re in a crowd and you must be there, can you identify a few familiar faces that may be off in a corner of the room? Can you allow yourself to be “slow to warm up”, understanding that you will feel more comfortable if you engage with others and occupy yourself? Bathroom breaks also allow for regrouping.

If your work makes you anxious, begin to conquer tasks one at a time, and break them down into semi-tasks so that you feel a sense of accomplishment. Recognize whether multi-tasking creates anxiety, and if so, become the best, most efficient, sequential task master that you can be. Hopefully, your job does not embody your self-worth.

If home life makes you anxious, begin to establish communication patterns that demonstrate love, acceptance, and validation. If you’ve been anxious for most of your life, it may stem from childhood experiences. Maybe your parent constantly pressured you, and in turn, you felt anxious. Nonetheless, your childhood experiences do not have to define present-day behavior. Overall, begin to recognize and value peace. Finally, do not overlook the benefits of therapy.

Q: How does a person know when his or her anger is becoming a problem?
A: The National Institute of Mental Health reports that anger or anger-related disorders affect nearly 16 million people. It’s sometimes difficult for people to see they have a problem with anger but there are several, important clues. A person’s anger may be out of control if friends and family try to avoid them. If a person finds that his or her tirades shut people down. Or, if people find themselves in verbal or physical altercations in many settings work, home, school, or among friends, they are having problems managing their anger. People in this state tend to jeopardize jobs and relationships.

The first step to change is awareness, then acceptance that anger is a problem. Self help includes: Attempting to manage anger with techniques such as walking away, deep breathing, or practicing meditation. If this does not work, seek the help of a mental health professional.

Q: When people constantly want to be isolated from friends or family, is that the beginning of a social phobia?
A: Social phobia is a form of anxiety disorder. It is basically a fear of being in situations in which a person must interact with other people. Activities such as speaking to strangers or even leaving a comfort zone like the home can become very difficult for someone suffering with social anxiety. It can also affect people in all parts of life from children to adults.

We live in a society that focuses on the willingness and the ability to interact with others, but there are people that thrive very well in somewhat isolated situations. But the desire for isolation may be a problem if it’s a change in a person’s typical behavior. Social phobias can sometimes go hand in hand with depression, but if a person finds that he or she cannot work, spend time with others, or endure any sort of stimulating situation, there is a problem. Symptoms such as these are generally too difficult to treat with self help; group of individual therapy is usually needed.

Q: When people feel disconnected even from loved ones–can they learn to become emotionally intimate?
A: When people find themselves unable to communicate with others, to share their feelings and most intimate thoughts, they have poor intimacy skills. People who can’t get close to others may also find they are extremely lonely because other people cannot connect with them as either. They may also find they alienate loved ones and potential friends. Living with an inability to become emotionally intimate can make life seem cold, insensitive, uncaring and have a negative impact on a person’s physical health.

Therapists understand these problems most often develop as a result of early childhood relationships that were devoid of intimacy or emotional attachment. Or a significant life event could have occurred in a childhood or adolescent relationship that could have led to a problem. The first significant heartbreak or situation in which someone feels rejected may also lead to adult intimacy problems.

Becoming more intimate with others takes action, but people should start small. Attempt to demonstrate affection through hugs. Practice attentive listening; make eye contact and truly engage in a conversation. Work to show a real interest in others. People who can work through these small steps and begin to work on larger issue such as forgiveness can eventually learn to develop close, healthy relationships.

Q: What’s the difference between being unhappy and clinically depressed?
A: This is a question that society is increasingly no longer asking. We’ve become heavily influence by pharmeceautical marketing. People now believe if they are sad or unhappy, they are seriously depressed, and should take medication. True clinical depression rears its head when you are unable to function, unable to perform your activities of daily living: such as keeping a clean home, getting out of bed, eating and sleeping.

Real depression is not a few weeks of sadness, it seriously interferes with a person’s life and relationships. The antidote to non-clinical depression is activity working to get back to a daily routine and feeling a sense of accomplishment. It also helps when people shield themselves from negative influences and negative people and do things that bring them pleasure. Many people are quick to seek anti-depressants, but depression can resolve itself over time. Medication should be a last resort.

Trust is based on an expectation of the positive behavior of another, sometimes exhibited as loyalty, kept promises or integrity. It is the foundation on which healthy relationships are built, and it is a core component of what defines societal interactions. When it is absent, it can signify the worst in our society. When it is present, it engenders a sense of comfort, accountability and community. Trust inherently involves vulnerability, and it is easily lost in relationships.

Trust is often a central issue in therapy. It is seen when one half of a couple “cheats” on another, or when one partner mismanages the finances or doesn’t provide emotional support to the other. A lack of trust may also arise when an adolescent doesn’t follow the rules of the home or fulfill their academic obligations, or when he or she exceeds their allotment of monthly cell phone minutes. Lack of trust can also occur in extended families, such as when family secrets are revealed.

A common example of trust as a therapeutic concern involved a couple experiencing marital problems. One of the partners assumed that their commitment to each other was based on staying together “through thick and thin.” However, they entered therapy too late. The other partner felt that they had no more to give and requested a divorce.

Frequently, this outcome leaves the jilted party shattered and afraid to trust again. When trust is lost, it can be like a poison. That poison can negatively change your disposition and result in unconscious, vengeful behavior to innocent parties. In order to heal, it is important to give yourself enough time. Be cautious of “rebounding” and seeking another to ease your pain. Review your life and critically analyze if your trust was, instead, enabling or people pleasing, or based on low self-esteem. Identify if your intent was to be the “best that you can be,” and if so, the breakup will likely prove to be your partner’s loss. Recognize the potential risks in all relationships and establish appropriate boundaries of self-protection. But most of all, don’t allow your pain to change you for the worst. It is my belief that in order for you to experience an intense emotional connection to another, you must make yourself vulnerable by trusting. Finally, remember that you are not accountable for anyone’s behavior or lack of trust. You are only accountable for your response.

Relationships are dynamic. That is, they are affected by the personality traits of each partner. In particular, interpersonal interactions are defined by perceptions, reactions, communication styles and interaction patterns that have been developed throughout life, based on past experiences. In that regard, relationships are enhanced, and have a greater chance of success, based on each partner’s ability to interact pro-socially, despite how they may perceive, think, or feel.

As a psychoanalytic clinician, my therapeutic focus is on the internal journey of self-discovery. To better understand ourselves, it is important to look back “from whence we came.” It is important to analyze our parents as models, as each has consciously and unconsciously influenced our behavior toward others, even if we had an absent parent or parents. Of course, there are those who have said, “I will not be like (a particular parent)”, and there are those who have said, “I want to be just like (a particular parent),” but for either of these thoughts to actualize, the internal journey of self-observation and discovery is paramount. This journey should help to develop a behavioral repertoire that maximizes the good traits instilled by both parents, while minimizing the worst traits. It requires an acceptance of family dysfunctions and a concerted effort to end maladaptive “generational curses.”It may also require therapeutic or spiritual guidance. And if there was no opposite gender model from which to learn, the re-learning of how your gender should positively relate to the opposite sex may be required. Nonetheless, the individual journey should never end, as you will find that the more you learn, the less you know.

The process of a successful relationship is dynamic in itself, and one important aspect is your choice of partner. When reviewing your history, you may find that you attract a certain type of person, good or bad. That is a learning process in itself, which could help you identify what you don’t want in a relationship or partner, more so than what you do want. That is an important discovery, which assists in preventing relapses into bad relationships or duplicate relationships.

I approach couples therapy using a dual process. First, I assess the individuals within the partnership to determine who they were before the union and what they want to be now. Then, I assess the couple as a unit, helping them identify how to achieve personal growth and partner satisfaction. My goal is to assist the individuals in identifying how they can optimize their personal characteristics so as to have more to offer their partner and help the other achieve happiness. The emphasis is not on how the individual can be happy, but on what each partner can do to assist the other’s happiness, although not in a dysfunctional manner. This must not be mistaken for trying to make the other partner happy, but it is meant as an attempt to add to the quality of his or her life. Ultimately, people are accountable for their own happiness. This process of self-actualization and partner collaboration is frequently in flux, as balance is difficult to maintain. I find that the most successful couples are those that allow individual growth and identity development without sacrificing a strong bond in their union. This is also very important prior to child rearing, as one or both partners may feel neglected during their children’s formative years. If they have established a strong interpersonal bond and are comfortable in their personal identities, they can work through many of the other challenges that partners face.

A long-lasting union requires each partner to pick their battles, minimize their struggles, maximize their successes, exhibit tolerance and love as action words, recognize what a peaceful home can do for intimacy, refrain from using sex as a weapon, and not let differences fester into the next day. Finally, it is the responsibility of each partner to keep his or her side of the street clean. If the partnership fails, you want to be able to answer this question in the affirmative: “Did I do all that I could to make this work?”

Finally, I will leave you with this: Watching an interview of a couple discussing their 40 years of marriage, the wife was asked, “Did you ever think about divorce?” She responded, “No, but I thought about killing him a thousand times!!” Partnerships will generate disagreement, anger, frustration, and ill will, but commitment, tolerance, and forgiveness can lead to an everlasting union. It is my hope that successful relationships will become the model that is valued in our society, as our children bear the brunt of relationship dissolution.