Emotional Intimacy

The Healing Continuum’s definition of emotional intimacy has nothing to do with sexuality but everything to do with one’s ability to know how to remain emotionally stable. It is the ability to be aware of how emotions affect thoughts, words, and actions in relationships and good mental and physical health.

MARRIAGE

Q: How do we connect as newlyweds?
A: Initially individuals come into marriages focused on getting their needs met without sacrificing much of themselves. They may be driven by individual desires in career, family, and social activities, but marriage requires self sacrifice. I refer to it in therapy as getting to the other side of the fence. It may mean disappointing your family of origin, changing your work schedule or sacrificing time with friends. In a nut shell don’t think of marriage as who is right or wrong but rather, if you can imagine a true sports enthusiast cheering on their favorite team in the last few moments of the season’s biggest game…that’s what a spouse should be. Cheer on your partner as though you really are their biggest fan… all the time.

Q: How do we keep our marriage strong after the first child is born?
A: The best way is to actually start off with a good foundation. This means taking the time to establish each other’s role in the marriage. Both partners need to assess strengths, weaknesses and communication styles. In doing so you are weaving and strengthening the basic fibers of a strong marital relationship. Being inextricably intertwined will prove beneficial when the responsibility of children and life’s other burdens start to press down on your relationship. Newborns divert attention away from the spouse and rightfully so. Remember your first commitment is to each other.

Q: How do I blend my family of origin with my spouse’s family?
A; There are two primary concerns: one is creating a healthy boundary between your old family and the new. The other is to unconditionally accept your spouse’s family. This is sometimes more of an issue with interracial marriages, but it is still a primary concern for all marriages. The goal is to allow your spouse the freedom to maintain their cultural identity as well as their family practices.
For instance it may be customary for a culture to have frequent interaction with extended family and it may also be a family practice to have all the dishes washed at night. The goal of course is to have discussions and to make known the importance of these values while not jeopardizing the strength of the nuclear family with unnecessary arguments. Marriages work best when we can accept the other unconditionally.

Stay at Home Mom

Q: How does the stay at home Mom maintain her adult identity?
A: This is a frequent problem when there are children involved. The stay at home spouse, usually the mother typically interacts only with the child. The younger the child the less intellectual dialogue occurs. Typically because they are in the home they are also expected to maintain the home. Sometimes these moms have had previous careers and identities, which they surrendered for parenthood. On top of this the other spouse has worked a full day to earn income to maintain the home and does not expect to come home to an emotionally needy partner. At times these husbands fail to understand that what the wife needs is adult attention. The primary goal is for the wife to find her own identity, she may need to enroll the child in an occasional play activity that provides both of them an opportunity for appropriate peer relationships. One possibility would be for the stay at home mom to schedule regular play dates with other stay at home moms in her community. Also, the wife needs to be proactive in scheduling quality time with her husband and not expect him to just figure it out. I recommend one evening a week when you both agree to just listen to the other person’s perspective on the marriage with out interruption. This allows you both to hone your listening and nurturing skills.

How do you get the spouse’s attention?

Arrange for a two to three hour baby sitter right before the husband comes home to reduce distraction.

• Re-invent the intimate situations that occurred prior to child birth.
• Treat him to dinner at his favorite restaurant.
• Express sincere interest in his day.
• Send him funny or romantic e-mails during the day

How do you manage the money?

This becomes a primary problem when the wife does not contribute to the home financially. At times she may even be managing the money but may be asked to control her spending. The goal is the same as though she was still working. I have discovered that marriages work best when there are “yours, mine and ours” bank accounts. Stay at home moms need to feel that they’re not a financial liability.