By Clinton E. Sims, Clinical psychologist

Sometimes people have a fear of disclosing and relating to others, or they may have difficulty taking on new challenges, or they may have a fear of success. People such as these may be unwilling to get involved with others unless they are certain of being liked, or they may be preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations, or they may be inhibited because of feelings of inadequacy. People may also be reluctant to take risks. These are just some of the symptoms associated with an avoidant disposition. These symptoms are often difficult to change and they can be immobilizing. However, having avoidant traits may be quite comfortable for the individual and they may not interfere with performance. In fact, some people actually function well despite these traits.

However, there can be a disconnect between how a person wants to function and how they actually are functioning. For instance, they may want to be more outgoing, socially involved or opportunistic in their personal choices, yet they can’t find the wherewithal to begin. Avoidant attributes are difficult to change. They may negatively affect how you interact with regard to same-sex relationships, opposite-sex relations and in social gatherings. There is no “one-size-fits-all” resolution, but there are some generalities to consider.

If you are feeling shy or socially immobilized, you may want to think about how you feel about yourself. You may lack self-confidence, or you may have low self-esteem. Maybe you feel like you don’t “fit in”, or that something about yourself is socially unacceptable, like your weight, your hair, a facial attribute, etc. Feelings such as these are usually developed during childhood, and most often during adolescence. But adulthood introduces a need for self-acceptance. It’s a time when you begin to understand that you are not alone, that others have similar flaws and feelings.

Proactive remediation may include being an active listener in one-to-one situations, such as responding to the specifics of dialogue while demonstrating genuine interest in the other. Or maybe you can arrange one-to-one encounters in locations that are more familiar and comfortable for you. Consider the situation and take control of what makes you comfortable. Accept that you may be uncomfortable for a period of time, but uncomfortable feelings are normal. It’s the length of time you’re uncomfortable that is the issue. As soon as it is feasible, get a snack or drink, which can serve as an icebreaker, or talk about the job or kids, which is a typical commonality of all. Just accept that some situations require a “slow-to-warm-up” approach.

These strategies can also be used in group situations. Attend to those who are familiar or appear welcoming. You can also try to identify the isolated, who may feel like you do and who may need one person to help them get comfortable. The goal is to come out of yourself. Care more about others than yourself.

A successful life is based on the perception of the individual, and fear of success tends to be an unconscious process. But I believe that many people reach a crossroads; either you must accept the standard of life as currently constituted, or you must attempt to change your situation. You may do it by legal means, or illegal. Those who seek to do it by socially acceptable standards, or legal means, tend to become immobilized for a time, trying to figure out how to move on. During this time, they may begin to dream about a better life but may not have had examples of high-achieving role models. They would benefit from acquainting themselves with mentors who have achieved a similar goal. They can find these people in professional organizations, guidance counselors on college campuses, spiritual leaders, or the like. I discovered myself through the latter two, and the former assisted me when I became discouraged during my pursuit of success.

Most importantly, minimize time with those who think negatively, who cannot dream, or who remind you of your own limitations. I have found that it is much easier to be pulled down by others than to pull them up. I have also found that those who have achieved are eager to help those who have a sincere desire to achieve, and they can assist you in ways that you cannot help yourself. Finally, be flexible and open to guidance, because where you start will probably not be where you end. But it should be a wonderful journey.

I will close by saying that the avoidant personality is not an albatross in itself, as many people can succeed and function well without a diversified social experience. The task is to find out how to best position themselves to function in a way that brings out their personal best. Our deficits can hold us back if we focus on them as negatives and minimize our positives.