By Dr. Gale Sargeant

Entering the holiday season brings about a lot anxiety and depression for those of us who have lost loved ones. In fact, some mourners experience these emotions long after the passing of a loved one. As a professor of psychology, one expects that I should have a thorough grasp of all the right tools to help one through the process of grieving. That may have been true – until I lost the love of my life, my mother, this past August. Now the therapist is seeing grievance from a whole different perspective.

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a world-renowned Swiss psychiatrist and author of the groundbreaking book “On Death and Dying” (Scribner Classics, $25.00), founded what is now referred to as the “Kubler-Ross model.” In this model, Dr. Kubler-Ross explained the five stages of grief. Although she died in 2004, Dr. Kubler-Ross said of her model’s stages, “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.”

The five stages of grief are:

1. Denial and isolation
2. At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
3. Anger
4. The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even though he or she is dead) or at the world. They may be angry with themselves for “letting” the death happen, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
5. Bargaining
6. The grieving person may attempt to make bargains with God, such as, “If I do this, will you take away the loss?”
7. Depression
8. The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
9. Acceptance
10. This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

Some experts say shock , suffering and recovery are other initial stages of the grief process.

Shock: Depending on how the person died, whether suddenly or after an illness. Usually in cases with the latter, the loved one has had an opportunity to come to terms with the inevitable. Although when death comes, it still is painful for the loved one, time has given them the opportunity to reconcile their emotions.
Suffering: This aspect of grieving presents itself on different levels and will vary based on what life experiences have taught you. How close you were to the deceased and whether you had a healthy relationship with them, and your personality and coping style also affect your suffering. If you are someone who has difficulty dealing with everyday challenges, then coping with the loss of a loved one will be just as – if not more – difficult. If you are the type of person who handles challenges well and is strong by nature, you will be able to handle loss a little better. Whatever your feelings, express them, whether in tears or words. For some, physical activity such as running or walking can help release your emotions.
Recovery: This will depend on the type of support systems that are around you, as well as how well you reach out for help. The best suggestion I can offer is to seek out support groups. There are myriad of them available on the Internet. We have included links to five of them below this article. There are support groups that focus on various areas of grief. Some specialize in the loss of a spouse, others deal with the loss of a parent.

Be Watchful

Since there is no “correct” way to grieve, be certain to watch for indicators that may hint at what therapists call “maladaptive behavior.” Crying is healthy, and to a certain point, pulling away and wanting to be alone is healthy. Losing one’s appetite also is normal. During the initial phase of grieving for my mother, my nutrition consisted of protein shakes and a multivitamin. (I strongly suggest that you speak with your physician before making drastic changes to your diet.) The danger in grieving presents itself when an individual no longer cares for their personal hygiene and becomes inattentive to their overall health and welfare, and the welfare of others. Depression is normal as indicated above, except if it includes these behaviors. Pay attention to those who hold it in and don’t communicate. Children also have a different way of grieving. Some children are not yet familiar with grief and may walk around like everything is fine. They may suffer from nightmares and mood swings. Try your best to stay attentive to them during this time and be as empathetic as you can, even though you may be grieving as well.

Support, Support, Support

We all can benefit from different types of personalities during our stages of recovery. Some make you laugh, and that’s a good thing. Don’t feel that while grieving, you shouldn’t laugh. There are countless studies that show laughter can change your body and mind’s ability to heal itself. There are some personalities who come by to just silently hold your hand and listen to you talk. To comfort someone who is grieving, just be a friend and do the practical things. When I say practical things, I mean doing the laundry, cooking meals, doing dishes, doing the food shopping and answering the phone and take messages. After my loss, I had a friend who moved in with me so I wasn’t alone. Another friend took my car to the car wash. If you are spiritual, seek those who have a strong spiritual base and draw from that. If you are the one with the spiritual base, don’t wait for the bereaved to call you. Initiate all the acts of kindness and love that your spiritual orientation teaches you. Use your church or fraternal organizations’ support mechanisms. If you’re a parent who has lost a child, I especially suggest seeking support and/or counseling because of the seemingly unnatural phenomenon of losing a child. We all expect that it’s the parent who dies first. Take your time through this process and don’t be alarmed if it is longer than you anticipated. Some find it easier to remove their loved one’s possessions weeks after the funeral. Others take years.

Whatever your coping mechanism, use it, as long as it does not include excessive alcohol or drugs. The Web sites below specialize in various types of loss. Some specialize in child grief support, spousal loss or loss of a parent, while others are for the whole family. Please know that life will continue on the other side of the grief process. It may just mean taking a different path.

www.dailystrength.org
www.griefnet.org
compassionatefriends.org (especially for children)
www.griefshare.org
www.caringinfo.org

Dr. Gale Sargeant is a professor of psychology at the Chicago School of Professional Psychology in Chicago Illinois. Dr. Sargeant is one of our psychologists here at The Healing Continuum.com