Dick Tibbits, Ph.D. is an expert on many things, but his true gift is helping people find peace amid the anger and frustration of daily life. A psychologist and author of the best selling book, Forgive to Live, (Thomas Nelson, $22). Dr. Tibbits promises he has discovered the key to living a life free of crippling resentments, lingering heartache and loneliness. He has worked collaboratively with Stanford University and Florida Hospital on his pioneering forgiveness research and trained at the Harvard University Mind-Body-Spirit Institute. Here, he shares his advice on nurturing one of the most important parts of long and healthy life friendship.

THC: How can we each define and cultivate friendships that truly meet our needs?

Dr. Tibbits: First, of course, you must get to know yourself. When it comes to the company of others, people desire very different levels of closeness and interaction. Extraverts crave more relationships than introverts. Introverts tend to be pleased with a small circle of close friends. There’s no right way, there’s only what’s right for you.

Loneliness becomes an issue when people realize they’d like more friends, but they are not sure who to trust or who to open up to. They wonder, as we all do from time to time, is it safe to be vulnerable with certain people?

Often, people shut down because they’ve over-extended themselves in the past, only to be rejected. Or shared too much, which can scare people away or even result in insensitive reactions.

But friendship is far too valuable a part of a rich, full life to be ignored. To create new bonds, go slow. Let relationships build naturally. Resist the urge to rush things because you’re not sure where to begin.

THC: Do friendships need change as we age?

Dr. Tibbits: Yes, quite a bit. In the 20s to early 30s, people may be raising families, getting married, building careers and meeting other families. They will have new jobs, homes and neighborhoods. In these years, there’s usually a rapidly expanding circle of friends, some closer than others of course. People who have been fortunate enough to have been parented well or escape major emotional pain in early life will most likely be successful in these budding friendships.

In mid-life, around 35 to 45 years of age, people begin to consolidate and re-evaluate parts of their life friendships. At this time, grievance stories begin to emerge. People have lived long enough that there’s often an accumulation of hurts. Some of those disappointments may come in a person’s professional life. In other cases, romantic relationships, family members, or other people may hurt you in ways that lead to distrust. There’s also an inner evaluation process going on. You begin to look more closely at how you’re treating yourself and other people and in turn, how they’re treating you. You begin to create a personal narrative to tell a story filled with your experiences. Problems may arise if the story you create for yourself is distorted.

In my book, “Forgive to Live”, I teach that you must embrace your reality in a positive way, not run from it. If it’s your job that displeases you, for instance, try to locate the source of this unhappiness; is it your role or your co-workers? Or is the work unfulfilling? If it’s the people you work with, and then try to find co-workers you actually enjoy and focus on those individuals. You need to decide if it’s time to make a change. Just make sure you take responsibility for your situation. Don’t blame everyone around you for where you are. I teach that responsibility is your decision to choose how to respond to your situation. Plan where you want to be in a week, month, and the years ahead. Consider the path of your relationships as well.

From ages 55, 65 and beyond, life changes once again. Children grow up and leave home, marriages may end or new ones may begin, and people may relocate. A great deal of good research indicates that social support and friends are critical to health and emotional well being in this part of life. It’s important to feel that you are a part of something beyond a job. This is a time to ask yourself: “What defines my self worth?” A rich network of friends and membership in a spiritual organization can help a good deal. Breaking long-term ties by relocating to retirement villages or adult living centers is not necessarily the best idea. But this is also the point in life when that accumulated, distorted and negative narrative can cost you the relationships you need the most.

THC: How can we all learn to use the art of forgiveness to help us protect and maintain those valuable friendships?

Dr. Tibbits: Begin by accepting the fact that life is not always fair. Don’t set yourself up to think that things will work out fairly. In my book, I refer to the internalization of the injustice of unfairness as the birth of a grievance story. People will often tell themselves and others how someone has wronged them, over and over. You may feel that telling that story is punishing the person, but in reality you are punishing yourself. Forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook, it’s about letting you off the hook.

If you continue to tell yourself this bad story, you place yourself in a chronic state of emotional turmoil which puts you at higher risk for disease and depression. Depending on your genetic makeup, that disease could turn out to be high blood pressure, early heart disease, headaches, stomach ulcers, back pain and so on. It will also affect you emotionally. You’ll become irritable and negative, two characteristics that always push other people away. The real tragedy is that as many of us reach the stage of life where we so dearly need social support, we may be so deeply steeped in a lifetime of collected grievances that no one wants to be around us. Then, your whole view of life becomes distorted because that grievance narrative becomes your template for everything else.

THC: How can people who stay in a constant state of rehearsal for confrontation or grievance recitation cope?

Dr. Tibbits: First of all, you must admit that you have a problem. If you don’t see that it’s a problem, you won’t change. I teach that people are ready to change when they are ready to be healed. If you are getting signals from your loved ones that your behavior is problematic, such as you’re not the same person you used to be or you’re always angry or have a short fuse. These are indicators of a problem. Ask yourself “what is my motivation to change?” It may be time to reframe your story and take another look at that personal narrative, or you will continue to feel what you’ve always felt.

Even if it’s a true story, it’s still a biased story. Look at it this way: The person you hate may also be someone else’s best friend, because that someone is focusing on the good things that the person may have to offer. This proves you are looking at this person through a small frame. One of the gifts of great leaders such as Martin Luther King Jr. or Gandhi was they were able to see a situation through a larger frame, without biases. All change is a choice, it’s not magic. The truth of life is others see in us what we often fail to see in ourselves. Make sure you show the people close to you the best of who you really are.

Dick Tibbits will continue in a series on healing emotional scars as a result of relationships, religion and corporate America.

LINK: www.forgivetolive.net