By Clinton E. Sims, Clinical psychologist

Relationships are dynamic. That is, they are affected by the personality traits of each partner. In particular, interpersonal interactions are defined by perceptions, reactions, communication styles and interaction patterns that have been developed throughout life, based on past experiences. In that regard, relationships are enhanced, and have a greater chance of success, based on each partner’s ability to interact pro-socially, despite how they may perceive, think, or feel.

As a psychoanalytic clinician, my therapeutic focus is on the internal journey of self-discovery. To better understand ourselves, it is important to look back “from whence we came.” It is important to analyze our parents as models, as each has consciously and unconsciously influenced our behavior toward others, even if we had an absent parent or parents. Of course, there are those who have said, “I will not be like (a particular parent)”, and there are those who have said, “I want to be just like (a particular parent),” but for either of these thoughts to actualize, the internal journey of self-observation and discovery is paramount. This journey should help to develop a behavioral repertoire that maximizes the good traits instilled by both parents, while minimizing the worst traits. It requires an acceptance of family dysfunctions and a concerted effort to end maladaptive “generational curses.”It may also require therapeutic or spiritual guidance. And if there was no opposite gender model from which to learn, the re-learning of how your gender should positively relate to the opposite sex may be required. Nonetheless, the individual journey should never end, as you will find that the more you learn, the less you know.

The process of a successful relationship is dynamic in itself, and one important aspect is your choice of partner. When reviewing your history, you may find that you attract a certain type of person, good or bad. That is a learning process in itself, which could help you identify what you don’t want in a relationship or partner, more so than what you do want. That is an important discovery, which assists in preventing relapses into bad relationships or duplicate relationships.

I approach couples therapy using a dual process. First, I assess the individuals within the partnership to determine who they were before the union and what they want to be now. Then, I assess the couple as a unit, helping them identify how to achieve personal growth and partner satisfaction. My goal is to assist the individuals in identifying how they can optimize their personal characteristics so as to have more to offer their partner and help the other achieve happiness. The emphasis is not on how the individual can be happy, but on what each partner can do to assist the other’s happiness, although not in a dysfunctional manner. This must not be mistaken for trying to make the other partner happy, but it is meant as an attempt to add to the quality of his or her life. Ultimately, people are accountable for their own happiness. This process of self-actualization and partner collaboration is frequently in flux, as balance is difficult to maintain. I find that the most successful couples are those that allow individual growth and identity development without sacrificing a strong bond in their union. This is also very important prior to child rearing, as one or both partners may feel neglected during their children’s formative years. If they have established a strong interpersonal bond and are comfortable in their personal identities, they can work through many of the other challenges that partners face.

A long-lasting union requires each partner to pick their battles, minimize their struggles, maximize their successes, exhibit tolerance and love as action words, recognize what a peaceful home can do for intimacy, refrain from using sex as a weapon, and not let differences fester into the next day. Finally, it is the responsibility of each partner to keep his or her side of the street clean. If the partnership fails, you want to be able to answer this question in the affirmative: “Did I do all that I could to make this work?”

Finally, I will leave you with this: Watching an interview of a couple discussing their 40 years of marriage, the wife was asked, “Did you ever think about divorce?” She responded, “No, but I thought about killing him a thousand times!!” Partnerships will generate disagreement, anger, frustration, and ill will, but commitment, tolerance, and forgiveness can lead to an everlasting union. It is my hope that successful relationships will become the model that is valued in our society, as our children bear the brunt of relationship dissolution.