By Clinton Sims, Clinical Psychologist

Trust is based on an expectation of the positive behavior of another, sometimes exhibited as loyalty, kept promises or integrity. It is the foundation on which healthy relationships are built, and it is a core component of what defines societal interactions. When it is absent, it can signify the worst in our society. When it is present, it engenders a sense of comfort, accountability and community. Trust inherently involves vulnerability, and it is easily lost in relationships.

Trust is often a central issue in therapy. It is seen when one half of a couple “cheats” on another, or when one partner mismanages the finances or doesn’t provide emotional support to the other. A lack of trust may also arise when an adolescent doesn’t follow the rules of the home or fulfill their academic obligations, or when he or she exceeds their allotment of monthly cell phone minutes. Lack of trust can also occur in extended families, such as when family secrets are revealed.

A common example of trust as a therapeutic concern involved a couple experiencing marital problems. One of the partners assumed that their commitment to each other was based on staying together “through thick and thin.” However, they entered therapy too late. The other partner felt that they had no more to give and requested a divorce.

Frequently, this outcome leaves the jilted party shattered and afraid to trust again. When trust is lost, it can be like a poison. That poison can negatively change your disposition and result in unconscious, vengeful behavior to innocent parties. In order to heal, it is important to give yourself enough time. Be cautious of “rebounding” and seeking another to ease your pain. Review your life and critically analyze if your trust was, instead, enabling or people pleasing, or based on low self-esteem. Identify if your intent was to be the “best that you can be,” and if so, the breakup will likely prove to be your partner’s loss. Recognize the potential risks in all relationships and establish appropriate boundaries of self-protection. But most of all, don’t allow your pain to change you for the worst. It is my belief that in order for you to experience an intense emotional connection to another, you must make yourself vulnerable by trusting. Finally, remember that you are not accountable for anyone’s behavior or lack of trust. You are only accountable for your response.