By Jannette Rivera, M.D.

As a mother, when I think of my children I can only pray that they will grow up to be God-fearing, well balanced, productive members of society. As a pediatrician, I find that most parents share the same prayer for their children. On a daily basis I address questions such as: can disciplining my child negatively affect their developing self esteem? Or what do I tell my child when they come home from school devastated by another child’s tease?

Indeed, those moments when your child is teased may affect your child emotionally but, their self esteem is affected by what they hear on a daily basis and not what they are told on a few encounters. What a child hears at home, especially from the mouths of those who are most important to them, plays a significant role as to how the child perceives himself. Unfortunately, many parents are afraid that one act of effective discipline may traumatize their child, when in reality it is the everyday exposure to negative expressions against them that can cause the most damage.

I have encountered loving parents that have referred to their child as ”below average”, ”behaving badly”, ”uncorrectable”, ”selfish”, ”antisocial”, ”a clown” or ”a whimp”, to mention just a few. These may seem relatively harmless words but over a period of time they may define a child’s self perception. As a result a child may never see himself moving beyond the limitations these words have set. Sometimes these words are spoken playfully but depending on the child they may be taken seriously. Many times these words may be spoken out of frustration. If you find yourself speaking negative words out of frustration, take time out to calm down and rethink your choice of words.

Direct your correction at the child’s behavior and not the child himself. For example, a mother asks her 7 year old son to do a specific task because she really needs his help, but the child does not comply with his mother’s wishes. When she returns, the situation has only worsened. Instead of saying ”can’t you do anything right” or ”you are good for nothing” you may try saying ”mommy is very disappointed that you chose not to do what you were told.” The first response attacks the child’s ability as a person. The second response lets them know of your disapproval of the choice they made. When facing a situation that merits correction, focus on the child’s actions and avoid belittling the child. A child is more likely to believe that he can change his actions as opposed to believing he can change who he perceives himself to be.

As parents we are one of the most important people in our child’s life. Our words can help shape their self image, define their identity and form their character. As a result our words can influence who they will become and how successful they will be in life. There is always a positive way to say something. Make it a point to use words that will encourage and build up your child regardless of the situation. All it takes is a few minutes to stop and think.